‘I am angry’: I’m an unmarried stay-at-home mother in a 20-year relationship, but my boyfriend won’t put my name on the deed of our house. Am I unreasonable?

I have been in my relationship for almost 20 years. For personal reasons, we are not married but have a 10-year-old son.

When our son was born, we decided to be a father at home because my poorly paid job did not cover the costs of caring for my children, and at that time we were overpriced. I have been a caregiver and housewife for a decade.

About two years ago, we finally saved enough to buy our first home. It’s an apartment, but it’s ours. Since it was my first home purchase, I didn’t fully understand the process, so when my partner closed the condo, I realized I wasn’t in writing.

When I asked why they let me out, my partner made some noise about loan applications, cost, and so on. My credit score is higher than yours, so if I had been a part of the mortgage loan process, wouldn’t I have been? beneficial for us?

In the two years since we bought and moved to our site, we’ve had several tense “discussions” about adding myself to writing. For me, even though I’m not an income earner, I’m still a working member of this household, so having my name in writing is about equality in relationship and family.

When our son was born, we decided to be a father at home because my poorly paid job did not cover the costs of caring for children.

Through my work as a housewife, which includes preparing meals, cleaning, laundry, and housekeeping, not to mention caring for children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. , I believe that my role as a “participant” in this family should include the legal ownership of my home. Am I wrong?

Through the various discussions we have had, it seems that my partner is not willing to add me to writing. First, he got angry every time he tried to talk about it, and he tried to make it sound completely irrational. But now he says it’s because it’ll cost several thousand dollars, and in the end, “it really shouldn’t matter.”

But it does matter. For me, not being in writing is a direct correlation with how I am devalued by my time and work. I feel like I’m considered “less than” simply because I’m a woman, a father at home, and a housewife. I am angry at my situation.

In addition to the complication, we ONLY bought an apartment from a neighbor upstairs with the intention of renting it. After all the fuss of being excluded, my partner made sure my name was listed on the writing of this second unit. But that’s why my partner says having my name on the original house is “unnecessary”.

I want to keep fighting for my name to be added, to fully own BOTH properties. But my partner still makes me feel completely irrational, spending thousands of dollars just for a “piece of paper.” I know we can afford the costs, and I think it’s worth it to be on an equal footing in this family. And legally, it’s not just a piece of paper for me.

Am I really being unreasonable? Will the costs really outweigh the benefits? What can I do?

We live in New Jersey.


Not in writing

Dear not to write,

Marriage in fact is not recognized in New Jersey, so it is up to unmarried couples to manage their joint assets the old-fashioned way. No doubt your child’s father has done his best to do this and tipped the scales in his favor.

Either you are a engaged couple in a long-term relationship with the goal of sharing your lives, or you are not. Do not put yourself in the mortgage, assuming you have done so given your good credit, or writing your home is an acute practice. At this point, you will probably need to finance yourself to get into the mortgage, and you may need to inform the lender to do so.

Needless to say, you’re not being unreasonable. There is a lot of physical, mental and emotional work involved in being a parent and a housewife who stays at home, and an equal amount of time spent raising your child and caring for your home while your couple attends to their 9- to 5-job.

Being in a long-term unmarried relationship can affect everything from taxes to real estate. “Unmarried couples do not have the same rights as married couples when it comes to estate planning,” according to the New Jersey-based law firm Bronzino.

“They are not eligible to inherit part of their partner’s estate, for example; and they do not receive property tax rebates that they plan to leave their long-term partner after their death, as do married couples, ”the law firm writes.

There is a lot of physical, mental, and emotional work involved in being a parent and a housewife who stays at home, and an equal amount of time spent raising your child.

Your partner should submit a deed of grant or guarantee to the county secretary. This could have ramifications for insurance and should be done in consultation with a lawyer. In theory, it should only cost a few hundred dollars.

“The deeds are characterized by the” guarantees “that the grantor makes about his interest in the property and the” promises “of future actions that the grantor will take if his representations are challenged,” according to the law firm. Earl White.

“Covenants are the defining feature of every kind of act,” he writes. “The seller often guarantees that a property is sold free and free of mortgages and encumbrances, and that the seller has the authority to make the sale.”

A broader context: A few years ago, Oxfam published a study that estimated that women contribute $ 10.8 trillion to the world economy each year in unpaid labor. That’s three times the size of the global technology industry.

The cost does not outweigh the benefits. Your time is valuable. Your contribution to your association is valuable. Your sense of worth is valuable. And your role as a housewife and mother is also valuable.

Jou you can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to coronavirus at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and follow Quentin Fottrell at Twitter.

Check out Moneyist’s private Facebook group, where we look for answers to the most thorny monetary problems of life. Readers write to me with all sorts of dilemmas. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more, or rate the latest Moneyist columns.

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More by Quentin Fottrell:

‘I’ve felt like a stranger all my life’: my father died without a will, leaving behind my stepmother and her 4 children. Do I have any rights over your estate?
• ‘I was in love with her’: My brother had a problem with alcohol and took his own life. He left $ 6 million to his ex-girlfriend who bought him alcohol
• “She had a will, but it was null and void”: My friend and her sister are fighting over their mother’s life insurance policy and bank account. Who should win?

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